“The Real Reason Young Men Don’t Understand Positive Masculinity”
When someone asked me how I'd define positive masculinity in a story about the spread of misogyny by people like Andrew Tate, my first reaction was one of incredulity: It's 2025 — how can there still be men who don’t know what positive masculinity is? But then I remembered: access to clear definitions, role models, and counter-narratives varies wildly. And yes — many young men really don’t have a coherent idea of what a healthy, positive masculinity looks like. That absence is dangerous, because voids are always filled — often by loud, aggressive voices that offer identity in exchange for conformity, dominance, even misogyny.
In this piece, I’ll explain what positive masculinity is, why it’s confused or missing for many, how toxic masculinity gets misrepresented, and what can be done so that alternatives are clear, attractive, and lived out.
What Is Positive Masculinity?
Positive masculinity is about embracing masculine traits in ways that benefit both the man and the community — in ways that are healthy, humane, and inclusive. It’s not about rejecting masculinity, but about expanding what it means to be a man, confronting the harm in rigid traditional norms, and encouraging strengths that many societies already value.
Some key elements:
Authenticity: Being comfortable with who you are. This includes emotional honesty, admitting vulnerability, aligning actions with values.
Connection: Building relationships of trust and respect; being able to empathize; engaging with broader communities; being able to discuss mental health issues, fears, doubts.
Motivation: Having purpose beyond external approval; being driven by growth, meaning, responsibility; seeking positive contributions rather than dominance.
A helpful resource, the Foundation for Positive Masculinity (+M) (Australia), defines positive masculinity as “the expression of attitudes and behaviours (character strengths and virtues which any gender might have) that have been embodied and enacted by males for the common good, both individually and for the community.”
Also, it’s less about prescribing one way to be a man, and more about giving space for varied, healthy expressions of masculinity. The goal is to shift the question from “What must I do to prove I’m a man?” to “What kind of man do I want to be, and how do my actions reflect that?”
Why Many Young Men Don’t Know What Positive Masculinity Is
Here are some reasons:
1. Lack of role models or conflicting role models
Many young men see idealized masculinity expressed in movies, social media, or influencers that glorify aggression, dominance, wealth, and control as signs of being "real men." If counter-examples (men showing vulnerability, kindness, emotional maturity) are rare or uncelebrated, young men don’t have real templates for “positive masculinity.”
2. Confusing or vague definitions; the “not this” problem
Lots of people can define what toxic masculinity is — the harmful, rigid, oppressive stereotypes — but many struggle to say clearly what positive masculinity is, rather than what it is not. The absence of a shared language or blueprint creates confusion.
3. Social pressure & cultural expectations
Traditional expectations (stoicism, emotional suppression, toughness, dominance) are deeply ingrained. Boys are often socialized early to suppress vulnerability, to avoid behaviors labeled “weak.” Deviating from these norms can mean social sanction, ridicule, or shame.
4. Influence of online personalities & algorithmic content
Influencers like Andrew Tate offer a powerful identity narrative: strength, success, “being alpha,” control. These messages are amplified on social media. When you don’t see balanced or nuanced portrayals, when you don’t have access to spaces for questioning, it’s easy to default to simplified toxic versions.
5. Silence around emotions and mental health
Many cultures discourage men from talking about emotional pain, fear, self-doubt. This creates a gap: if you can’t name or express what you feel, you don’t know what to do with it, and you might adopt “strong” behaviors as a mask.
6. Education / community systems don’t always provide alternatives
Schools, peer groups, families often reinforce traditional masculinity without offering safe spaces to question them. Curriculums, mentorship programs, media literacy, emotional education are often lacking.
What Many Think Toxic Masculinity Is — And What It Actually Means
Sometimes, misunderstanding arises because “toxic masculinity” is misused or oversimplified. Let’s clarify:
What it actually refers to: It’s not that masculinity itself is toxic, but that certain rigid norms and behaviors traditionally associated with it — dominance, emotional suppression, aggression, entitlement, misogyny — can become harmful. These toxic aspects harm both the individual (mental health, relationships) and society (violence, oppression, gender inequality).
What it is not: It is not every expression of masculinity. It doesn’t mean being male is bad. It doesn’t mean that strength, competitiveness, leadership are inherently harmful. The toxic element comes when certain traits are enforced rigidly, without consideration for empathy, vulnerability, equality, or consequences.
Mislabeling or over-generalizing toxic masculinity (claiming “all masculinity is bad”) creates resistance, defensiveness, and confusion. Young men may then feel attacked rather than invited into healthier models.
The Stakes: Why It Matters
Without a clear vision of positive masculinity:
Young men are more vulnerable to extremist or toxic identity offers (e.g. those promising easy solutions, status, belonging, often at the expense of others).
Mental health suffers: shame, isolation, inability to express vulnerability, depression, anxiety.
Relationships get distorted: communication suffers; intimate relationships suffer; violence (emotional, physical) becomes more likely.
Gender equality is stalled: when masculinity is defined in adversarial terms (power over rather than partnership with women or others), societies suffer.
How to Teach, Cultivate & Live Positive Masculinity
Here are concrete steps:
1. Modeling & visible role models
Fathers, older brothers, mentors, teachers, media personalities who show kindness, empathy, emotional openness. Highlight stories of men who are caring, compassionate, gentle, rather than just strong or tough.
2. Safe spaces for emotional expression
In families, schools, peer groups, create environments where boys feel safe to express fear, sadness, doubt. Normalize help-seeking. Normalize saying “I don’t know,” “I was wrong,” “I’m hurt.”
3. Curriculum & education
Programs in schools that address gender, identity, emotional literacy, media literacy. For example, the +M (Positive Masculinity) framework used in some Australian schools aims to help boys explore traditional masculinity stereotypes and make conscious choices.
4. Critical engagement with media
Encourage young men to think critically about what they see online: what messages about masculinity are being promoted; who benefits; what is left out. Teach discernment about online content, influencers, peer culture.
5. Encouraging purpose & responsible action
A sense of purpose helps: involvement in community, volunteering, caring roles, leadership that isn’t about dominance but about service. Encourage young men to develop their own values and live by them.
6. Encouraging diversity of masculine expression
Not all men will (or should) express themselves in the same way. Strength can be shown in many ways — physical, intellectual, emotional, moral. Let boys define parts of what masculinity means to them (within healthy frameworks).
7. Addressing shame & stigmas
Work to remove the stigma around mental health, expressing vulnerability, seeking help. Shame is often at the core of toxic masculinity. When boys feel they must be invulnerable, perfectionist, unfeeling, that leads to self-destructive behavior.
Conclusion
Young men often don’t know what positive masculinity is because society has presented overwhelming messages of what masculinity must be, without showing many healthy alternatives. Toxic masculinity is more visible, louder, easier to recognize; positive masculinity is quieter, harder to define, often not celebrated. But that doesn’t mean it’s less real — or less important.
If we want to counter the influence of misogyny-promoting figures, we must offer something attractive: a model of masculinity that includes strength and kindness; confidence and vulnerability; purpose and compassion.
By defining positive masculinity, teaching it, modeling it, and giving young men space to grow into it, we don’t just help them — we help all of society.
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